some choice

In a few daya I'll be in the booth with choices to make. I've read the endorsments, watched the debates, laughed at the cartoons and John Stewart, read the political blogs, snoozed in front of endless FOX, CNN, MSNBC, ABC, NBC, CBS, C-Span ............. analyses. Live in a swing state. Had countless "vote for my guy" phone calls.

The choice comes down to:

- someone who claims a broadband link to his god
- has unwavering convictions with no gray fringes
- selected a cabinet and advisors that view the world from a 60's vantage point
- took us to a war where the very reasons have been proven unfounded and yet continues to justify the error in the face of continuing deaths and injuries to both sides - go back to point one, which god does he talk to?
- alienated most of our friends and neighbors
- spends like a Massachusetts liberal without a hint of fiscal responsibility
- pretty much anti-human choice except for the unborn?

or

- someone who will promise anything to everyone for a vote
- wavering convictions
- carried by a gigantic political sail
- has as much gray thinking as explanations for position changes

It boils down to a right wing fanatic with left wing spending habits versus a left wing moderate wannabe.

Is this the best our political system can offer us. Some choice!!

them and us, you and me

Them and us, you and me, him and her, mind and yours, WTF. Has the golden rule become the tarnished exception. Where's the tolerance for difference. Don't you idiots realize that if we were all the same, doing the same shit that it would be boredom to the extremes. Don't you social neanderthals understand that the fringes create change and drive progress. Lighten up and embrace difference. Be different. Is your humanhood so lacking that your self value is dependent on ridiculing another. Are you so uptight with self doubt that demeaning another is your self validation. Is your self worth so meaningless that enrichment must come from the expense of others. Can you not comprehend that humanoids, you, need social acceptance. It's key to survival. How is alienation from fellow uprights creating acceptance. Seek peace and zen my friends for the world is a lonely place alone.

I know I'm better than most of you drolls but I'm not going to ridicule the idiots.

sports performance enhancements - WTF

I'm very confused. BTW, some would not be shocked by this admission. Anyhow, it's not clear to me why the line for banned sports performance enhancements has been drawn at the use of synthetics. The high profile cases we hear about are the doping charges by the various athletic governing bodies on some of their enhanced athletes caught by drug testing. But it seems to me that there's major inconsistency in what is being defined as artificial enhancement. Steroid use is currently a no - no for bulking up, but weight lifing and protein gorging is ok. In fact, the use of any of the high tech workout machines is encouraged. But is it natural to work the body on an electric powered stair master with every bodily function being monitored to millisecond percision by some digital computer gizmo. Oh, and guzzling a 9 egg white party mix is something everybody does for breakfast. EPO and blood doping are frowned on, but altitude training is encouraged. Same end result. WTF. Most event day stimulants are banned including the minute amounts found in over the counter niffle stoppers but downing a gallon of your favorite jo is right on. How about other unnatural enhancements like super glove stick for catching a wet football - that's real natural. How about body shaving for slipping through the water a little quicker - yup all that body fuzz is darn right unnatural and even more natural is the new shark skin swimwear. Carbohydrate loading before an endurance event - ok, all humanoids are guttons and willingly gorge on pizza when given a chance. So why are certain enhancers banned and others encouraged. Damn upright logic has no logic. We always find a way to do everything halfass. (Must be the same logic that says wacky weed is off limits but willingly subsidizes and promotes a product that kills 10's of thousands of addicts a year by a broad leaf plant called tobbaco.) BTW, it's just a matter of time before the self appointed regulators have to deal with genome tampering and custom mutations. Gotta believe it's already happening. Animal breeders have been doing this for generations. This will spin some heads into a deep regulation fog. Testosterone enhancement will seem like child's play.

For some reason my enhancement of choice, cold dark beer sipped in the comfort of my soft sofa, never got me to world class status.

nip, tuck, snip, slice, fold, hide, pare

The recent cultural trend of cosmetic rejuvenation has been bantered about in the press, around the water cooler and between beers. I personally find myself on the side of the more the better. Here's my simple logic. Ugliness needs to be purged. Why discourage improvement for the human eyesores. The world is ugly enough without all the scary uprights making it worse. And if self control loses to guttony and subsequent rotundness then let the liposuction technology clean the mess up. If inbreeding played a cruel joke on Darrell's sister then let technology fix it and save them from the glaring and mutant jokes. If Auntie Claudette tobacco induced winkles wins first prize at the Chinese chow show then tighten them up. If Uncle Matt's butt droops worse than Aunt Millie's boops then give both a lift. We need to keep the beautiful in "America the Beautiful". Sag and droop needs to be banished. If we could only find a scapel that could fix ugly personalities.

Pass the mirror I need to look at my wonderfulness.

move it, lard a**

Since when did pulling up a few dandelions equate to aerobic conditioning. When did a stroll to the mailbox pump the heart up. How is it that vacuuming the laundry room creates cardiovasular improvement. Heck most folks achieve higher cardio excitation thinking about sex. BTW, I bet there's a correlation between the girth size of these slime slugs and their propensity to define a workout as any activity that keeps them away from the grocery bag. I hate to be the bearer of bad news to these inactive trolls, but there is no easy fix. Real exercise takes effort and unfortunately if ya ain't sweating buckets of pore goo ya ain't working out. And for you naysayers with the bucket of medicinal oral pop products, real exercise might just cure most, if not, all of your flab induced afflictions. Do ya think a marathoner has regular constipation and a need for one of the myriad of bowel regulators. Do ya think a real power walker takes a breather half way up a flight of stairs. Do ya think the aerobics instructor needs acid reflex blaster. Speaking of instructors when did this fad of personal fitness trainers transcend to our easy fix culture. The weak minded have lowered the bar another notch for inadequate self responsibilty. They pay some muscle bound neanderthal to shout expletives in their face to induce them to move their lard butts. OMG. What's next, surrogate trainers. Yup, that'll keep the adipose disposed from cardiovasular disease and in tip top shape for the dessert tray.

I need a breather. I've gone anaerobic from all this key stroking.

STOP EATING SO DAMN MUCH!!

I got a diet plan that will work for anyone, everyone and even for all you fatties and there's an added bonus - it's free. It's simple and will actually save you money, especially for the double wides where major bucks can be had. There's no snake oil, no magic pills, no special herbs, no portion weighing, no books, and just plain no excuses. Here it is: STOP EATING SO DAMN MUCH!! I can't believe how much American culture has evolved around weak minded obese people and their meekly desire to have waist lines smaller than their inseams. And worse yet how many millions have been made off weak minded flabby uprights that owe it to themselves to try every fat fad that these modern day snake oilmen pander. Well people, if you keep shoveling excessive groceries into your mouth, quess what. The flab will keep on growing and rolling. It's really a simple relationship. The more you consume the more sweat creases you can proudly show off at the beach - thank Speedo for tight one piecers. The less you consume and the more you burn, the smaller the jelly pods become. There's no magic, no slight of hand, just plain caloric equilibrium. Ok, some folks claim a slow metabolism. And I say, so what. Good for you. Enjoy it and live a long and healthly life. But the caloric relationship still holds. You fortunately just need less stuffed into your mouth to survive. BTW, I do believe some chubbos do have slower metabolisms, but not because of a genetic difference or inbreeding. They are couch slobs. Very simple, no movement no reason for the bod to burn those twinkie rich calories. Same logic with the big boned pondits. Ya right, everybody has big bones. Again, live strong but you can't fool caloric balance. Ever been to an Asian country. Well you won't find any fat people in China, Thailand or Vietnam. Reason, they work their butts off. Many use 100 lb road pedal cruisers to get about, i.e., they work to move their ass. They also eat anything and everything that breathes or spouts and waste nothing. I mean nothing. No garbage for these folks. If it dangles off a mangy dog then it's good for some human nourishment. Ever been to Europe. Not many wide loads across the pond. The descendants of our founding fathers still walk to work, serve human sized portions and don't have an obsession with fries with that please. When we have a society accepting stomach stapling as a remedy for weak mindedness we've crossed the line in personal self control and responsibility. Think about this. What does punching pop rivets into your new pigmy sized food bag really do. Well it tells your food trap that you shouldn't eat anymore. Didn't I just say that eating less causes less fat to be plopped onto your double wide ax handle hips. Why does it take major surgery to accomplish the same thing as common sense but drive up overall medical costs for the few remaining leanies. It gets worse. My guess is that tubby tonto with the megabuck stainless lined micro gut still finds a way to keep krispie cremes in the food trough to maintain that attractive double pudgy profile. You know the one that you always find yourself seated next to on the 2 hour commuter flight to Chicago. Come on people get a backbone, get some real exercise and leave the onion and cream chips in the bag.

Could you extra size that for me, I'm famished.

CSI: Muskogee

CSI:Crime Scene Investigation, CSI:NY, CSI:Miami, NCIS, CSI:Hawaii, Without a Trace, Cold Case, Medical Investigation .......... WTF. Are upright couch slunchers this brain drained to be perpetually entertained by the same plot and robotic actors. Don't these programmers understand saturation - you know, that concept of too much, too the same, too boring, and just too damn annoying. Humanoid murder only has 23 permutations and Alfred Hitchock had those all figured out and televised a few TV generations ago. It's not a perflexing mystery why cable networks are getting ever more viewership. With Law and Order clones, surreality TV, CSI:Everywhere and of course the gazillion TV news magazine dribs also focused on reality murder there's no time left to broadcast anything good like smackdown wrestling. We need some imagination by drunken hairy men. How about CSI:Jessica Simpson with a focus on finding out why blondes who act stupid get rich off of drunken hairy men. Or maybe 60 Minutes:Drunken Hairy Men on rampage over low carb beer.

Pass the remote I think CSI:Muskogee is on and the previews suggested a drunken hairy man has a suspicous demise.

where's my feminine products

What's with all the feminine products being plastered all over the plasma screen during prime time in front of innocent children and me. Every commercial not peddling feel good drugs or Kerry and Bush verbally pussy whipping each other with half truths is peddaling a feminine enhancer. Which BTW is a goal we should wholeheartly embrace. The last time I took a wide screen viewing sample suggested that half the viewing public is still XY'ers with decidely higher proportions on weekend afternoons. So half the public doesn't want to know about the 17 available styles and sizes for na-na land pads and plugs with a potpourri of scents and the 6 different absorbancy ratings. Warning!! Do not drop a carton of these gully washer terminators in Lake Ontario, it could be the end of a major mid-Atlantic water wonderland. Other mother nature enhancers being pushed include fragances, lubricants, whiteners, conditioners, cleansers, straighteners, fillers, liners, glosses, waxes, brushes, bloat busters, wrinkle fanisher, hair pluckers, boob builders, butt hide, cellulite camo, face spackle, body puddy ...... Any respectable XY'er with any hint of manhood can find all these male equivalents at any AutoZone or TruValue including the appropriate tools. A rather odd thing about these adverts is that products for rectum swellings, crotch stink, anal psoriasis and bladder leakage are targeted for the feminine half of the species. I beg to differ but these are without debate, fat old hairy men afflictions and we demand our fair share of the curatives.

Pass the scratch creme my swellings have been acting up since my big slurpee and 4 corndog lunch.

unreal reality TV

Reality TV. NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOT. Realty TV with a star wannabee called the Donald with a combover that could cover the lower half of Central Park and an ego larger than the other half. Reality TV with Paris Hilton and Nicole Richie slopping swine dung. The closest these two undernourished barbie dolls get to real farming is the salted home fries they munch on at the chic downtime LA "I'm trying to be a celebrity" clubs. Survivor number whatever held in Jeff Probst's backyard. Do you think Mark Barnett would actually use a true cross section of the American population to backstab and show more skin than Hilton in her xxx-web movie on their way to a million bucks. He maybe a barnyard leach but he ain't stupid. Do ya think the Orange County chopper dudes saw gold in them there hills by playing on us idiots by being all testosterone od'ed. These guys even got a gig with AOL - idiots and the web, now there's some reality. I have no idea who's marrying who on TV these days but I thought the soaps played during the hours between Montel and Oprah. Anyone remember any of the winners and also rans of the Simon star search series, except of course William Hung who everyone knew was a "star to be" behind those awesome pearly whites. Then there's the whole makeover thing - wives, boyfriends, houses, rooms, hetero's being groomed by gays, whatever. I wanna see some real boring reality with real boring people just like us.

I'm available for auditions anytime before Montel and after Oprah.

true cold box innovation

Where's the innovation in that old trustly kitchen appliance fondly called the frig. We've seen hi-tech ice dispensers. We seen electronic sensors and smart thermostats. We've seen stainless steel interiors and exteriors. We've seen matching cabinetry doors. We've seen magnetic latches. We've seen magic and mystifying defrosters. We've seen erroneous claims of 100+% efficient compressors. Some will even have a conversation with you and tell you when you need to replace the 15 day old curdled milk. All well and good but quite frankly these are all frivilous window dressings that only tempt the weak minded to replace old faithful. What would be true innovation and provide real value to us homo sapien uprights is a "top shelf only" cold box. That's right a beer and luncheon meat chiller with only one shelf - the top shelf. You know that eye level convenient resting spot for all those goodies that need chilling before grilling or swilling. I can't believe that the world has waited for me, Captain Oblivious, to point out to the appliance manufacturing giants of the world that any shelf other than the top shelf is totally useless and employed only under death threatening and agonizing duress. If an upright humanoid has to flex its arthritic knees and calcium deficient vertebrate to view the inventory below the top shelf then odds are that the stash of mold infested chinese take out and last month's burrito leftovers with 3rd degree freezer burned refries will remain in their deserved resting spots until the house burns down or a pigmy family moves in. The solution is right in front of us. Design an 8-10 foot wide temperature chiller that's mountable to the wall at eye level. Oh, and make it height adjustable because the naysayers will claim eye level varies a bit from Shak to Wee Man. Nothing from the nipple ring level and south is needed or desired. Two swing out doors is all that is required. No ice dispenser wanted as any civilized humanoid only uses frosted beer mugs. Who cares about the fancy exterior design, what matters is the surface area of the one and only shelf. It must have the capacity for all the chiller's important cargo. What to do with the large emptiness left below the new and greatly improved frosting unit. That becomes a tidy spot for the digital big screen or a roll away stand for the handily mounted brewster keg. For the pussy clobbered among us it could also serve as another dusty nic-nac haven. All problems easily solved.

Somebody get me a frosty dark one for my work is now done.

Wow, look at that hook

When did the human excitement threshold sag to a level when two legged uprights get chills watching other uprights smacking little white dimpled balls around. I don't mean the 6:00 news hilights or even a few minutes of a major tournament on prime time viewed in the comfort of your TV room with a cold brewski. I mean to actually drop a crisp Jackson, hike 5 miles to a fenced off strip of sloppy mud with another 108 human morons near the driving tee of the 8th hole in the rain. Is the brain dopamine saturation at a point where this provides excitement for a select few amongst us. Do these same chill seekers watch latex paint dry in humid Alabama in July or Bermuda grass grow in arid Arizona when the nearest putting tournament is a continent or two away. This pathetic thrill fringe has even spawned a golf channel. What's next 24 7 bocci news. Come on fellow high brows get a life. At least watching a game of America's favorite past time with its whining overpaid tobacco chewing Caribbean Neanderthals is boring enough but at least all the players are within viewing distance and you can sit and be comfortable and shout disparaging remarks at the players and the other fans and even participate in a drunken brawl or two all for one over priced ticket. But watching golf on site takes fanhood to uncharted depths of what a boring life. To further biatch slap these club envy morons strict rules are in place enforced by a retired fortune 2000 CEO with a 23 handicap: no shouts, no belches, no profanity, no woots, no catching and keeping the errant clobbered balls, no seats, no view and no retractable, climate controlled dome. And worse, at most tournament venues the fortunate few only get to see one stroke and, if lucky, a miff or two by each passing player. Sounds like a mighty fine way to pee away lots of hours of a meaningless existence.

BTW, there's a future blooping blog blurb about the actual game of golf. You know that wonderful past time of smacking and then chasing a petite little pocked faced white ball into the woods so you and your best friends, who don't have any other friends, can waste the next half century looking for it amongst the poison sumac and rhodadendums and claim a few aerobic conditioning points between warm beers. More on this Scottish joke on fellow homo sapiens in a future blog soon to be playing near you.

FORE!!

My last 2 cents

Feel privileged to pay federal, state and municipal income taxes? Enjoy the state sales tax? Pay the county tax months ahead of time? Happy to fork over the township tax? Smile while submitting the school tax? Can't wait to hand over the capital gains tax? If yes to all the above you have a mutation that provides you joy snuffing out cigarettes on your forehead and scratching yourself with a rusty wire brush. How about the more obscure fees like toll roads and bridges, hotel and occupancy taxes, dog license fees, vehicle registration, death and estate taxes, professional license fees, federal and state gas taxes, hunting and fishing licenses, recreational vehicle registration, tax on tires, vice taxes on cigarettes, liquor and gambling, parking fees, park entrance fees, luxury vehicle tax, and retirement taxes like social security and medicare. And the really, really obscure methods of government financing like lotteries, gambling, state run liquor stores ............ Still smiling or puking up your last dollar!!

How about the peripheral costs associated with these taxes, fees and other money sucking methods. For example, the bureaucracies needed by the government agencies for collecting, processing and of course, jailing subversives. We commonly think of the infamous IRS, but each tax and fee needs a corresponding bureaucracy to administer and enforce the laws and rules and to collect the moola. How about the paying side that wants to spend Christmas with their family and not between Bubba's hairy cheeks. Companies need bloated sized bean counting organizations to administrate their product and service proceeds and to make sure uncle gov gets its mandated share. Even small companies need CPA's on staff or retainer to keep themselves out of jail. How about the average wage earner that needs to hire H&R Block to fill out their 1040EZ form and pay a pencil geek $250 for the privilege. Then there's all the tax attorneys. You know, the brethren of the attorneys that wrote the laws so only other attorneys could understand them.

Then there's the incurred costs that are cleverly disguised as improving social order. Examples include all the rules and regulations that add cost to products and services. Meat inspectors, health inspectors, EPA and OSHA regulations, equipment safety requirements....... Guess who pays. And of course, some more obscure costs from bureaucratic and local politico decision making. Every traffic light and stop sign causes loss time and fuel expenditures. Mis-engineered roads cause premature vehicle wearout and abnormal maintenance. Nonsynchronized stop lights cause traffic blight. I could go on adinfinitim but I just ran out of money.