you need counseling

For all of you Dear Abby fans, what's with this advice chick? I have to admit that I've read her column over the years to keep a pulse on the whiner scale both from the zeros that write in and her same old, 1960's morality peppered with the 1990's feel good. First of all, if ya got a real life problem who in all persumed sanity would compose a letter to a pseudonym and have it plastered over every newspaper that ran out of sports scores to print. And then get one of three canned responses. 1) you need counseling, 2) you and your, insert as appropriate "worthless husband, disrespecting teenage, or wicked mother-in-law", should get counseling and 3) get another counselor. Whenever she tries to get a bit creative and meander ever so slightly away from the bare your soul mantra she steps right into a 7" pile of steaming, wet dog poo. Then her lurking readers put the hammer down, give her a verbal biatch slap and get her refocused again for the next set of human slugs to send to counseling.

If all the "world is kicking me in the crotch with number 17 Wolverine mud stumpers" whiners would just realize that some things are a given in life and just accept the inevitable they could boot Dear A off the gravy train and she'd have to get a real job like composing obituaries. Cultural chi would return and I'd have to read Dave Barry for entertainment.

For the Paxil addicts here's a sampling of life's certainties:

- It's not your wedding so get over it and remember half of you will drop the loser within 5 years anyhow, so why be a perfectionist now.
- Mother-in-laws have a mutated gene, so they can't help it.
- Male genes never mutated so they carry with them the Neanderthal complex and will always be slime balls. BTW, they can't be changed so stop trying.
- Teenagers will always hate their parents, it's the process of preparing them for their kids.
- Everybody gets senile, some just a little earlier than others.
- Everybody was abused, just ask them.
- Counselors have all the same problems as you whiners so how can they help you when they can't help themselves.

My office hours are 11-12pm on the 5th Friday of the month. Slap sauve provided.