I'm going to fist spam your flat screen

Web rage has become the digital version of I'm going reposition your butt ugly nose to the back side of your head. Email banter and other forms of e-chat have brought a whole new perspective on testosterone charged internet communications. Persumably sane fools are losing all their low blood pressure cool in e-chat battles that would make Attila the Hun back off. Apparently the cold world of bits and bytes with it's lack of voice tone and body language have made some folks a bit touchy - you know the ones easily pushed over the edge. Interpretations of literal word choices without the human nuances used with other forms of communication sends the hard core fringe freaks into adversarial orbit. I've noticed that the personality types that tend to be crisp and pointed with their e-words will always get into an e-war with the personality types that read everything literally with no room for gray fringes. I'm sure we all know folks from these two scary segments of the anal school of black or white interpretation.

These e-fisty cuffs all have the same characteristics and draw upon the same schoolyard tactics everyone fondly remembers and enjoyed while pubescing. First, there's the initiating e-comment. Usually a "to the point" e-banter about nothing. Second, the receiver interprets the message as an attack on their sorry ass manhood. Now the e-gloves are off. The response amounts to the first e-punch from the one with the insecure manhood. The response has all his e-friends cc'd as e-backup. One can't enter into war without backup. The original sender now has one of two choices. Go for a return e-strike or provide a more tactful interpretation of the original e-exchange. 99% of the time the original e-sender goes for the e-attack - how dare anyone misinterpret their e-message. They return an e-blast with all of their e-friends cc'd - again, one can't have too much e-backup. Now we have a full blown e-war with both sides slinging every e-disparage possible and occasionally some new ones. By round two everyone has been labeled a sexual deviate. Volley three is reserved for picking on spelling and grammar. Return four is for e-smucking relatives. And finally attack five is reserved for "I'm paying you a visit with my black belt in "pick your Asian people thumper mode" friends to womp your butt. At this point the e-war is over. Everyone meekly realizes that no one knows where the offending parties live, and if they do it's usually half a continent away.

Ya wanna e-go. My e-server will e-boot your e-ass to the recycle bin without return e-postage.