where's my tip?

This tipping for service thing has gone way over the edge or not nearly far enough. Generally I'm dead set against tipping for service in its current social form. Why are we only allowed to tip a small portion of the experience? I want to be able to reward or penalize all aspects of the product. For example, a fine meal includes the food, china and stainless, linens, free beer refills, nonsticky chair arm rests, frosted beer mugs (even for rounds two, three, four and five), service, view, temperature, hostess cleavage, atmosphere, ambiance, quiet neighboring tables without brattie kids, parking, nonchatty server, dessert tray, weather, a ride home, and your date. If any one of these equally important elements of a meal go awry then the whole experience heads south real fast. If you get a charred steak buried in a fungal green sauce that your doberman pincher would back away from served in a slop bucket delivered by butt scratching Armond with a tude then you should have the privilege of not paying anything - nada. And why should you be limited to only taking your angst against butt boy? Surely the establishment honchos have a play in making sure the entire experience is exemplary. And if Armond is a single mutation from cro-magnum then way is he on the staff to begin with. I suppose if your date is butt ugly, slurps his wine and spits his s's then you can't fault the fine dining establishment except for possibly too much light and not enough background noise.

Another perspective on this process is that the culinary honchos should pay the anal scratcher decent wages so he doesn't have to promise sexual favors for a reasonable tip. Does the proprietor think that folks are fooled by the lower prices on the greasy plastic laminated menu because decent compensation for the service is not included. BTW, why has it become standard practice to include a predetermined gratuity for large parties, usually at a higher rate than standard. WTF. Why is serving a large party any more troubling than several small parties with individual idiosyncrasies. I digress. Pay the peasants some decent coin and get off our backs.

Still another perspective. If this blog doesn't put tipping out of my misery then it should not be limited to certain services like meals brought to your table, Jack Daniels poured from one glass container to another, haircuts with lice ladened clippers, taxi thrill rides in smoke stained iron coffins and full body massages by callus knuckled Slovik women. If I can stiff my barber for the buzz cut look from Terminator II then I want to stiff the doctor that didn't cure my pedifungus and the pilot that 3g'ed the landing. I want to stiff the auto mechanic for selling me a rear end lub job I didn't enjoy and the cable company for not carrying my favorite sex help talk shows. I want to stiff my insurance company for overcharging me and my electric power provider for not supplying enough charging.

And of course, one final and most important perspective on tipping. Give me a piece of the tipping economics. Just a small token for my contributions towards enhancing the good will and fortune of humanity. A gratuity of 25% for single contributions and 50% for any party over 3 is more than fair. The cashier will take care of the math.