My least favorite foods

as defined by I would gladly die of a slow and agonizing starvation than even think about putting any of these monkey shits in my mouth.  I only list the foods that I have actually tried and/or been offered.  There are many others I have not tried but know I wouldn't like them just by looking, touching, smelling or just plain knowing.  For example:  pig nads.

tapioca pudding.

It looks like the result of a gag gone too far.

salmon pea wiggle.

I can still taste the crunchy bones.

cow belly, aka tripe.

The smell alone is worst than 3 day old road kill.

boiled cabbage.

See cow belly comment.

white chocolate.

Ok, this is weak dislike.  In a pinch I could down the stuff.  But chocolate is not supposed to be anything other than some shade of BROWN.

marshmallow ice cream.

A very bad combination.

roasted duck.

My Grandfather used to tell me that the only way to cook a duck is to boil a large pot of water, throw in the duck and an old leather boot and let simmer for 24 hours.  Then throw the duck away and chew on the boot.

dandy lion greens.

Hell, even cows won't touch this weed green.

lumpy gravy.

See tapioca pudding comment.

salt pork.

Fried fat is not made to be eaten.



Conundrum

co - nun - drum

noun

1. a difficult decision
2. WTF.

Some of my most perplexing conundrums:

  

little diabetic wonders

or

more little pancreatic overloads.

I'll sometimes just do the logical thing and gorge down a bag of both.

warm sand and soothing surf.

or

fresh snow and glass top lake.

Perhaps a summer/winter trade.

kick and glide.

or

shush.

Same apres-ski fun.

who in hell thought this procedure up!!

or

smart kittie.

or

Yep, this is a good idea!!  Note the knee pads :-)

I'd rather drop an anvil on my toe.

impressive diaphragm and vocal chords, but nap time.

or

impressive foot strength and toe calluses, but more snooze.

this awes me; ear-hand coordination and pure tonal acoustics!!

or

more awe!!

puppy breath and cuteness in one package.

or

sweet kitchen scent and fresh oven warmth in one package.

this ain't your grand daddy's hand clutch model B; much sweet horsepower.

or

Folks from the land of Caesar know great food and hot cars with styling horsepower.

Roughly the same cost, power and styling.  But considerably different draw-bar pulls.

Raylan.

or

Heisenberg.

or

Swearengen.

These are all must sees and iconic characters.

sweet bovine.

or

more sweet bovine.

or

and more bovine.

My lingering farm boy upbringing. 

heavy on the raisins.

or

same calorie count.

high octane chocolate.

or

10 mile run equivalent.

Man I love to eat!!

roadie.

or

for the dirt.

I love to work over one of man's most efficient transporters.

Perhaps not so much conundrums, but a variety of life's offerings :-)

2013 near absolutes

i'm not a believer in absolutes but these will not happen in our universe in 2013, although perhaps in others if you happen to be of the cosmology multiverse persuasion.

• ny giants winning a repeat superbowl *
• a us born american winning the boston marathon
• me winning the boston marathon
• me running the boston marathon
• me running anything labeled a marathon (half-, mini-, nano-....)
• congressional approval rating exceeding 25%
• congressional terms limits
• kim kardashian naming her baby, johnboy
• me winning the lottery **
• foxnews endorsing bernie sanders for fine person of the year *****
• chris mathews endorsing sarah palin for fine person of the year ******
• donald trump closing his twitter account
• donald trump muted
• me buying a humvee or smart car
• remembering how to spell "c-o-n-u-n-d-r-u-m"
• my life without conundrums
• becoming less cynical
• the word "ubiquitous" being removed from the merriam-webster unabridged dictionary ***
• wtf being added
• honey boo boo getting canceled
• bruce jenner manning up
• lance armstrong issuing a public mea culpa
• government shrinking ****
• national debt decreasing
• taxes decreasing
• federal register shrinking
• a Jamacian not winning the 100m at the world track championships
• the superbowl played on a wednesday in august
• a year without predicted apocalypses  
• a doomesday event
• people not being stupid
• internet porn disappearing
• hugh hefner behaving old
• smart phones that fold my underwear
• a north dakota hurricane
• lake erie tsunami
• georgia avalanche
• rfid chips for my missing socks
• banned ed tv ads
• pro cannabis referendum in sc
• gun control in tx
• same sex marriage in ar
• oprah endorsing my blog

in the interest of full disclosure:

* i know they didn't make the playoffs
** i don't play the lotteries
*** see previous blog posting
**** at last count 1 in 6 workers get their paycheck from a tax payer funded entity
***** vt democratic socialist us senator
****** squawk box from ak

if i were dictator for a day i would

• declare "Wild Thing" the US national anthem

wild thing by the Troggs

• put a $10,000 useage fee on all bullets



deficit reduction



• appoint Honey Boo Boo as ambassodor to the middle east

• proclaim corn hole toss the national pass time - they have their own governing association ACA



Moonshiners Version



• add chocolate to the food pyramid



FDA approved.



• institute a "get silly" national holiday (not to be confused with president's day)

• make puppy breath the national smell

• take a nap

Noise

thats makes me want to head butt a concrete wall with protruding rusty rebar.

misquitos buzzing my head at night

rap


5 am garbage trucks

AM on your dial


 whine

"we're closed"

"I can't"

"license and registration please"

"ya know what I'm saying"

chalk board

rice crackling



the higher the DB the smaller the nads



My favorite sounds

whip-poor-will

           

cow

Handel's Messiah

picking

yodeling

death


barn flies


"next please"

Christmas morning, 5am rapid "pidder padder"


Sounds of Silence


baby laugh

"dinner's ready"

and the best for last

"                                                     "