Darrell goes hunting

The game of hunting is upon us. Let's take a look at the team rosters.

On the high brow side we have Darrell and his best friend Darrell. The weekend wonderkins are packing semi-automatic AK-47'S with 30 round clips with the anti-jam option. A high powered, variable focus 3x-20x scope mounted to each. One never knows if the widow in the neighboring trailer might be taking a shower. Three weekends at the local range has these annihilaters tuned in for 300 yard kill shots compensated for a 3 beer buzz. Camo blaze orange from toe to bonnet. Camoflauged orange, WTF, that works. Doe piss for activating the buck pheromones. It reportedly has the same effect on middle aged hairy men libidos. Just in case, everyone is packing a 10 day supply of the little blue pills tucked safely in the soft leather belt pouch. A 10" stainless hardened steel buck stabber with a seratted edge for ripping warm bellies is neatly strapped to the right calf - true Rambo style. Anti-human smell potion freshly misted on. Ya right, if that stuff really worked every wife and girlfriend in America would be stocking a case of this mystery elixir. Two-way, crackling walkie talkies are fired up for reliving the blonde jokes. Battery powered thermal underwear with the undersized weiner flap is zipped up tight. Military grade GPS locators and a 5 dollar compass for the direction challenged are part of the arsenal. NASA reflective body wrap for a night in the woods is tucked away next to the little blue pills. Ya right, these boys won't get anymore than a 100 yards from the camp and the beer cooler. For the real rough necks with the ape hair backs a tree stand with a portable HDTV plasma flat screen with a Direct TV hookup awaits.

On the game side we have a wise old buck who knows that it's time to take a two week hike to the deep woods. Any distance more than a quarter mile from the road and camp will be all the protection needed for this annual Darrell fest.

basketbrawl, bring it on

I believe my ideas are starting to catch on in pro sports. A major brawl took place at an inconsequential NBA game yesterday. Inconsequential because who really cares about mutated giant humanoid tattoed freaks running up and down a hardwood court lobing a beach ball into a netted hoop. Remember this is mutation entertainment with the same viewer appeal as web porn surfing. But this incident has my attention for a fleeting moment. There apparently was some real fist-in-your-face fan-player interaction. A few liquid ladened cups thrown onto the court followed by a few players charging into the stands. Now that is getting the crowd into the game. I think they maybe onto something here. Why not make the game interactive between the players on the court and the fans in the stands other than the usual verbal abuse going each way. Hearing "I'm doing your grandmomma" gets a bit boring after awhile. Besides everyone's done your grandmomma and she ain't that good. Certainly would increase viewer appeal. I might even tune in for a few minutes. Why should the physical part of the GAME be limited to the human mutations and a trip or two to the urinal in the men's room. Get everyone into the game. Bring it on.

Of course, the usually OMG's from the league officials, owners and new born evangelists. "This will ruin the game." "This can't be tolerated." "Evict the barbarians." "Throw the hoodlums into the Bubba bin." "Check testosterone levels at the gate." "10 beer limit." Idiots crying in public but snickering at the board meetings.

I gotta go git me a beer. I need to throw somethng.

another foolsball incident

ABC must have read my previous blog on the idea of juicing up the aura around foolsball. Apparently before the Monday night game they aired a clip promoting their new show, Desparate Housewives, by showing a naked babe jumpimg into the arms of a player. Of course, to the chagrin of every hot blooded male in America, doped up on Levitra the babe was only shown from the waist up and from the rear. But the new minority morality quickly showed their new found mandate. ABC got the calls for indecency and of course our choir boy FCC head has gone on record as being "disappointed" for the lack of judgement by ABC. Interestingly, he hasn't said anything about the show this clip was promoting. But get this, one of the coaches spewed a couple of brain burps. First, he found the clip racially offensive. WTF. A white, blond babe seductively jumping into the arms of a black athlete. Wow, that's got a multitude of stereotypes working for it. I wonder which one pulled his ultra sensitive hair trigger insult meter. Shouldn't the blondes be speaking up. How about Caucasian, Hispanic and other race athletes - seems like they've all been slighted. Second, he was aghast that a foolsball player was being portrayed as someone who might, for an instant, think of something other than the GAME. WAAAAAAP. WAAAAAAP. That was a double reality check biatch slap. Butt boys, let me repeat myself. IT'S ONLY A GAME. YOU'RE ENTERTAINMENT. NOTHING MORE AND MANY TIMES LESS. IT'S EITHER WATCHING YOU BEAT EACH OTHER'S ASSES SILLY OR VISITING A WWW PORN SITE. FACE REALTY. The reaction is perpetuating a stereotype that crosses gender, babe hair color, genitalia size and racial boundaries. Just more evidence that juiced up jocks and dense synapse connections don't cohabitate.

Two things for sure. I'll be watching the next Monday Night pregame show and tuning in for Desparate Housewives. Of course, only after I gitta cold beer.

smackdown football - now we're excited

This past weekend 2 players from opposing rust belt pro teams got into it during pregame warmups. Resulted in both being suspended from the game before it even started and fined 10 grand. Like 10 grand means anything to the bling bling boys. I don't get it. These guys ought to get a bonus check and a night with the chearleader of their wife's choice. The irony in this over reaction is multi-fold. First, within a 1/2 hour of the "incident" 22 members of these same teams were brawling on the field each trying to move an inflated pigskin into one of two happy zones, all while inflicting permanent brain damage, torn cartlidge, blown out knees, miles of abraded skin, and 100's of deep tissue contusions onto each other without a hint of remorse, except possibly the rat deal their agent got for them. All in front of millions of sh*tfaced, blood smelling fans hung over from the tailgate fest. Of course, the key tactical element of each play is designed to knock each other silly so the network can run a 2 minute beer ad. The helmets, pads and pain killing syringes are not just for show - they need this shit and then some. The winner is usually the team with lowest injury count. BTW the actual winner, is the one that makes the most bucks for the owner over the course of the season.

Second, the league brass needs to be reminded that this game and everything surrounding it is simply entertainment. Let me repeat for the brain damaged with questionable comprehension - it's only ENTERTAINMENT. World karma is not remotely at stake. Human survival is not being prolonged. We won't be out of Iraq any sooner. North Korea will still have nukes. The betterment of mankind is not being enhanced. No more kids in Sudan are being fed. We're still one viral mutation away from extinction. Watching a 3 hour football game is NO different than watching 2 hours of Laurel and Hardy reruns except that it will lighten your wallet a hellva lot faster and may get you beat up if you're wearing the wrong jersey or wave cheer out of synch. Another hint for the brass: Take a lesson from smackdown wrestling - add some drama to the pre and post games. Let these doped up human, neckless giants with wired up knees and more testosterone than brain matter get it on before and after the "game". That's what the fans want. This isn't Indian/Pakistani cricket with tea and scoons at intermission. This is American football where it's expected that the big boys maim each other. Why else would anyone pay $250 for a ticket and $20 beers in the ozone layer seats.

Here's a hint: there was more press time and talk radio banter on the pregame "incident" than on the actual game. Figured it out yet.

Time to go. Smackdown is starting. Gotta git my beer.

nevolutionists

The November '04 issue of National Geographic cites some interesting statistics based on Gallup polling regarding American views on the theory of evolution. "no less than 45% believe "God" created humans in their present form within the last 10,000 years and evolution played no role whatsoever". Only 12% believe humans evolved from other life-forms without intervention from God. The article goes on to summarize all the evidence that supports the evolutionary theory. It however, does leave the door open for a divine start of the process which many scientists and even many theologians also believe. Contrarily some theologians believe all 8,000,000+ species were planted on earth at time zero. I suppose their explanation for all the fossil finds dating back millions of years is voodoo science conspiracy. As further pointed out in the article the survey results haven't changed in the last 20 years with strict creationism being soley believed by at least 44% in each poll.

What's interesting and disturbing about these stats is the sheer arrogance it portrays about the human species and our profound lack of security in our existence. Apparently our brains have "evolved" to where we have too much time to think about why we are actually here. And because we are able ask the question we must therefore need a reason that sets us apart from the "other 8,400,000 species." Apparently for most, the reason lies with the writings of a few other humans a couple thousand years ago.

Will our arrogance be the basis of our survival for the next 10,000 years or even 10 years. Or the basis of our extinction.

Here's a scary thought: we are only one viral or bacterial mutation away from extinction. Whoops. That's Darwinism and evolution in its most simple form!