if i were dictator for a day i would

• declare "Wild Thing" the US national anthem

wild thing by the Troggs

• put a $10,000 useage fee on all bullets



deficit reduction



• appoint Honey Boo Boo as ambassodor to the middle east

• proclaim corn hole toss the national pass time - they have their own governing association ACA



Moonshiners Version



• add chocolate to the food pyramid



FDA approved.



• institute a "get silly" national holiday (not to be confused with president's day)

• make puppy breath the national smell

• take a nap

Noise

thats makes me want to head butt a concrete wall with protruding rusty rebar.

misquitos buzzing my head at night

rap


5 am garbage trucks

AM on your dial


 whine

"we're closed"

"I can't"

"license and registration please"

"ya know what I'm saying"

chalk board

rice crackling



the higher the DB the smaller the nads



My favorite sounds

whip-poor-will

           

cow

Handel's Messiah

picking

yodeling

death


barn flies


"next please"

Christmas morning, 5am rapid "pidder padder"


Sounds of Silence


baby laugh

"dinner's ready"

and the best for last

"                                                     "

Ego beat down.

Team Captain.

So i tried mixing it up with the big boys last night.  It's been 3-4 years since I got this stupid.  F'ing mistake.  The Tuesday at 6pm hammerfest around PI - twice.  Not good.  On the first lap they shit me out the back at about mile 9 right into a freaking 20 mph west head wind.  It was a long solo back to the start where we gathered again.  On the 2nd lap with fewer hammerheads and a saner pace I managed to hang on the entire lap and even took a couple of feeble pulls.  Overall an ego beat down. 

Then this morning the ultimate beat down occurred.  I decided it was time to lightly step on the scales after a couple of years of ignorant bliss.  OMG!!



Me like chocolate - lots!!



My favorite stinks.





green grass cow splatter

new tires

fresh, wet sawdust



swamp

diesel exhaust

burnt cow

Eucalyptus Oil



Methyl Salicylate



My favorite smells.

autumn leaves

fresh cut hay

purple lilac

puppy breath

dairy barn

county fair midway

roasted turkey



cyanoacrylate



clean boxers

It was this past Tuesday at roughly 11:15pm.  I had just turned off the HD and was in the kitchen when I heard this god awful shit splatter scream just outside the open kitchen window.  And then another.  And then another.  WTF. In all my years, and I have many, I have never heard anything so bloodcurdling and I've watched every Halloween Movie and eaten turnip without gobs of butter and had county fair cheap beer hangovers.

Holy crap!  It sounded like John Bobbitt must have sounded when he woke up after Lorena had pruned his hedge. 

My immediate thought was this was lurking in the woods looking for a late lunch

"i like greasy human"

or this with a bad heroin hangover

"i'm pissed as hell and wanna kill something"

or perhaps this before she found Bill.

"don't fuck with me"

After sharing the experience with the locals we were told with a wink and nod that it might be a puma or raccoon on crack.  My cynical nature said "Puma - no way".  "Cracked up raccoon - maybe".

However, the all knowing Google and YouTube affiliate suggested this

and it has my vote. 

The back story is that we have a fox litter near the house consisting of these wild and ferocious ankle chewing beasts.

Fuzz and Butts

How can such a tiny fur-ball be so freaking loud!! 

You can bet I won't be stepping outside after dark without one of these anytime soon.

"go ahead, make my day homey"

Are public bars really legal

I've been curious about the rationality of the public drunkenness laws. If one is drunk in a bar are they at risk for arrest while in the bar? Afterall it is a public place patronized by the public. How about the walk home on the public sidewalk or to the car parked on a public street, of course accompanied by the designated driver?  How about a beer party at your crib with some public figure guests?

PUBLIC DRUNKENNESS Section 5505 of the Pennsylvania Crimes Code (Title 18)

A person is guilty of a summary offense if he appears in any public place manifestly under the influence of alcohol... to the degree that he may endanger himself or other persons or property, or annoy persons in his vicinity.
Penalty
1st Offense
Fine
0-$300
Jail
0-90 days

Perhaps it's not such a bad law.

That "annoy" subclause caught my attention.  I for one am very "annoyed" by some folks when they are stone cold sober whether in private or public.

You might be a pussy if

• your dog doesn't drool or incessantly humps the neighbor's yorkie and kitty
• your beer comes with twist-offs
• your woman doesn't sport a half dozen tats and 3 pounds of stainless
• your back has less hair than a winter haired Scottish highlander
• your ride isn't littered with snickers wrappers, empty red bull cans and spent 45 shells
• your belly doesn't have stretch marks, a shelf for a beer can and an invisible belly button
• your jeans cover your hairy cheekless butt canyon
• your nose hair isn't braided
• your mullet rat tail doesn't employ a twist tie
• you have a dental record
• Limbaugh isn't crackling on the AM
• the rear right fender isn't dragging in the mud
• if your bumper stickers aren't about guns, dammes and damnation
• you don't run them foreign cars into the ditch with your jacked up Chevy
• the key chain is carrying less than 10 lbs of brass
• your armpits don't attract fleas and  fresh bred sewer mosquitos
• you can see the flesh under your finger nails
• the windshield isn't cracked
• the fuzzies hanging from the rearview aren't whistling a tune from Tammi's favorite hits
• the cigarette tray isn't full
• the mailbox isn't secured with 2 bungies and half a roll of

ode by a proud pussy

Have you ever wondered why

- stupid is ubiquitous
- people use the word ubiquitous
- someone came up with the word ubiquitous
- ubiquitous isn't spelled e-v-e-r-y-w-h-e-r-e
- dear abby has a job
- lima beans aren't on the banned substance list
- the food pyramid isn't sprinkled with chocolate jimmies in swirled whippy dip
- preparation H is called preparation H
- in a group of a 10 the dog only sniffs your crotch....front and rear
- we went to the moon....6 times
- corduroy went out of style
- corduroy was ever in style
- someone tossed out your vintage suede boots....and matching double knit leisure suit
- airline stewardess don't go postal
- cuff-links were invented
- suspenders are used
- an orange is called an orange
- given a choice of a bag of Hersey's kisses and a bag of Lay's Wrinkles you'll find a way to devour both....in the same early onset diabetic frenzy
- you believe the voice in the Garmin is going to someday reach out and bitch slap you for ignoring her
- there's lite beer
- twinkies aren't a national treasure and on the protected species list
- Ben and Jerry haven't won the Nobel Peace Prize
- why Nobel, the inventor of dynamite and other carnage devices, has a peace prize
- every Sports Illustrated isn't a swimsuit issue
- devout believers of the heavenly afterlife don't want to get there asap...like right now
-

Ya, me too.