5 Guys Burger and Fries

Over the next several weeks (this started last August) I will be doing a local burgers and fries reviews over a variety of categories and then at the end will do a relative comparison to each other with perhaps the ideal burger and fries compiled from the best attributes amongst the samples.  Our first stop is Five Guys.

I've been to several 5 Guys over the past 4-5 years spanning in geography from Erie, OBX, Richmond to Indy.  Pretty much cookie cutter from one to another as in most francheses.

No drive thru.  Gotta go in and order or there is an option to preorder but who does that.  There's a short line on this fine Sunday evening.  Took about 15 minutes from pull-in to the parking lot to leaving with the goods.  Ordered a hamburger, a cheese burger and "regular" fries and 2 regular dispenser drinks.  The lady was with me.  The order was prepared in plain sight although most folks don't pay any attention to this feature.  I did notice that all the food preparers were wearing latex gloves and hats.  That's good.

The order goes into a brown paper bag regardless of where the food will be eaten.  We took the eats to the PI marina and watched the bay boat traffic and Darrel and Darrelet looking for beach glass.  If one elected to chow at 5 Guys they would find it quite loud and barren with very little chance for a private meal.  You can pork down as many "free" peanuts as you can eat while waiting.  Not sure who sweeps up the peanut shell mess.
 
The burgers are wrapped in tin foil.  The "regular" burger is actually 2 patties.  The "small" burger only has 1 patty.  This is perhaps a ploy to the unaware customer.  Most people would simply order a burger thinking it's a regular 1 patty affair like in all the other burger places.  A "small" implies perhaps a kid's meal size.  With the 2 patties it's quite a good sized burger.  I ordered mine with lettuce, tomato and mustard.  The burger cost is $3.99.  The small is $2.99.



The buns are the sesame style, aka, Mac look alikes.  Nothing special with them.  Overall the burger is good but I did drip several grease spots onto my just washed favorite summer shirt. 

The fries are fried in peanut oil.  This is advertized as natural and without cholesterol.  Unfortunately oil is oil with respect to calories per gram.  They are very oily and are very bad unless one has rusted knee joints.  They always throw in a few handfuls of extras into the bag to make it a very large order.  I'm guessing they playing the pshyco game again having folks think they're getting an extra special deal.  All they're getting is more very greasy fries that oil up the bag and everything inside it.  The bag got so oily I had to dump the fries out and discard the bag because it had started to get oil all over the car console and me.



The drinks are normal fare.  Although unlike many dispensers that use local water this did not have any flouride flavor.  The cups are the ubiquitous waxed paper kind.  I prefer the styrofoam style as they keep the drink cold  longer.  There is an environmental downside to the styrofoam but these folks walked over that line when they opted for the tin foil burger wrappers.

We eat the goods and both end up with grease spotted shirts. 

Until I get futher into the study my contigent ratings  are:

- convenience of buying - ok
- time from order to meal - slower than drive thru but not as slow as a sitdown
- presentation of meal - that tin foil needs to go and replaced with something more green and less shine
- cost - average, although I felt duped by the labeling
- bun - average, no differentiation over Mac's, the King, and little Wendy
- condiments - at least you can have it your way
- drinks - average, no differentiation
- eat-in ambiance is too sparse and open.  Even most Mac's have booths. 
- fries - no more than once per year and one needs to be very, very hungry.  The greasy bag is a real problem!

Overall rating:  3 barf bags.

The barf bag scale is 1 to 5 with 1 being heaven on earth fare and 5 being bear bait.

it might be Christmas if

- there was a heavy thumbing of feet by the "youngins" at 6 am with a strong hint of "get the heck up"
- they insist on a speed breakfast
- the "youngins" are 25, 30 and 30 years old
- momma is whipping up a gluttoness feed
- 3+ hours are spent assembling the new wave gizmo
- "I don't need no stinking directions"
- the Ralphie ("A Christmas Story") marathon is on and on and on
- the family room looks like the aftermath of a stage 5 hurricane
- there's a chocolate/brandy mousse cup or two or three calling my name
- the sky is gray and the ground brown (we live in a snow belt!)
- I'm getting incessant emails advertizing after-Christmas sales
- ......

Grannie spots and kittens

While making myself pretty a few days ago I happened to spot a pencil eraser sized, irregular shaped, gray spot on the upper left side rib cage area.  After the weekly pruning of the nose and ear hairs I fire up Google - "signs of skin cancer."  I soon learn the mole alphabet, the ABCDE of suspicous skin growths. 

"A" is for symmetry. Anything not perfectly round or apparently equal sided is for concern.  "B" is for border and an irregular border is grim reaper time.  "C" is for color.  Gray or dark skin pigment is not a cheer you up tone.  "D" is for diameter.  Anything over 6mm (pencil erasor) is call the morgue.  "E" is for evolution, i.e., has it changed - well ya, it just showed up!  Get a toe tag.

I had the wife (she's the beneficiary of my life insurance) make me an appointment post-haste with the skin doctor.  I had been to him twice before in years past and he had dismissed my lesions with a squirt of his liquid nitrogen bottle he had tied to his tool belt and made life normal again. 

There's more back story.  I grew up in the era when early summer back burn was the right of passage for a great summer.  In my case living and working on a dairy farm made this process way too easy.  A few shirtless days on the tractor in early June and one had burn blisters that the sun god Apollo would admire.  From my belt and south it was milky white.  Farmers do not wear shorts or deordorant. I am also the descendant of northern Europeans of the fair skin and missing melanin kind.

Doc day arrives and I make the visit.  He comes in with his micrometer and we exchange a few pleasantries and he asks to see the goods.  I lift my shirt, point to the offender and he measures the rib eye and nonchalantly says "6 millimeters .. old age spot."  I gasp and say "old age spot?!"  "Can't be.  You sure it ain't cancer?"   "Nope."   No cancer but I got a damn gray grannie spot.  And he said more would be likely.  What the hell!!

Oh well, my hair has been grayish for a few years and I can't run as fast anymore.  I suppose a gray skin lesion or two will be useful to give us more space at the beach while the young kids from New Jersey gawk at the scary old man.

Ever see a gray grannie spot on a kitten?  Me either.

it might be the season if

• it's snowing and minus and my tractor sits in the barn with the mowing deck attached and the plow detached.  the tire chains are mia. 
• i get 11 emails a day from amazon touting their special free shipping seasons deals
• my sockless loafers are causing me piggy discomfort
• the hole in the sole of my left sockless loafer is causing me unusual pedi discomfort
• not one of a more than a dozen snow and ice scrapers can be found
• santa's helper has made dozens of visits to the mall with each getting lead story coverage by the local wxxx 
• it's dark when i go to the office and dark when i leave and more than murky at noon
• i spend the good part of the t-holiday hauling decorations from the barn, attic, garage and a myriad of closets to be put on display
• harry's law and csi get preempted by a cartoon holiday special
• i can't get "rump, pum pum, pum" out of my head
• it was a white-out on the way home last night
• others were impeding my travel by driving like it was white out
• the windshield washer fluid tank is empty
• the seat heater still fries my bacon 
• the cat  naps inside
• we've already received a dozen holiday cards
• my annual epistle has yet to be started
• there is an abundance of past year humankind folly to epistle about
• the woman just handed me the holiday day card list
• the gas fireplace burns with a loud "cha ching"
• the holiday lights shine with loud "cha ching"
• i thought i fixed the hole in the right index finger of my winter gloves
• water still freezes at 32 or less
• the squirrels are munching at the deluxe squirrel proof bird feeders
• orange blazers and adult bambi play hide n' seek
• mince meat pie beckons
• i've reluctantly gone to the winter belt hole which resides a couple to the right of the summer belt hole

You might be thankful if

- it's another day of consciousness

- all the essential body organs appear to be working

- you're not a turkey

- the woman is a great cook

- you're a shameless, gluttonous ominivore

- there's fresh cranberry jelly sauce albeit garnished with BPA

- your visitors did the traveling

- the gravy has been strained and the bird stuffed

- Wegmans is open  

- Thanksgiving falls on a Thursday

- Pepto Bismol is not on the banned substance list

- the chocolate cheese cake is chilling next to the Upland Brewing Co. wheat beer

- there's a drumstick whispering your name

- Prohibition is prohibited 

- the remote batteries still have a charge

- the cocoa bean is the foundation of the food pyramid

- brussel spouts and turnip are nowhere near the food pyramid

- ......

sucked wheel like a famished cheetah chases down lunch

So I'm doing a loop around PI last evening and pull out of the spur that goes out to the floating pond houses and up comes a friendly racer type.  He asks why I don't have a rear brake and I give him some line like I don't ride fast enough to need both front and rear brakes.  (The real reason is that I hate maintaining the machine and the cable had rusted off last summer and I just disconnected it.)  He acknowledges and starts to pull away. 

A sudden testosterone rush comes over me and I jump on his wheel like a dung beetle to fresh shit.  I quickly notice that he probably weighs at least 50 pounds less than I do and he has the form of someone who can pound the snot out of his cranks.  We soon head west and catch a nice tailwind.  I'm still tucked into his slipstream like the rear pelican in a long bevy pushing a March headwind.  He's in the big ring and starts dropping the chain into the lower rear sprockets to take advantage of the friendly wind.  I'm stuck in the small ring for the same reason I don't have a rear brake.  My cycle computer is blank for the same reason I don't have a rear brake or a way to shift into the big ring but we have to be nearing at least 30 mph.  I'm sucking up air like a ramjet on takeoff.  He then pulls over to let me take a pull.  Shit! 

I take a feeble pull and then he quickly resumes.  A half mile later we come to a fork and I hang right knowing he'll bear left.  I wave him ado and coast to a sane pace for a near geriatic whose glory days were at least 2 decades ago.  I spin it back to the suburban and choke up throat mucus for awhile thinking perhaps I should do a little maintenance on the machine.

random rants

A comment or two on recent newsy items:

- Osama goes down!  This is a big deal and should have happened like on 9/12/2001.  The lip flappers are ranting on whether it was legal or not;  he shouldn't have been buried at sea; show the pics; he was unarmed.............  Only one thing matters.  The man poked the big bear and he got taken out. 

- Trump took the spot light for another 5 minutes and got owned.  He only proved one thing - again.  Idiots with money are still idiots.

- A long shot took the Kentucky Derby and by couple of lengths and there's already noise about a triple crown winner. Yawn. The winning time was 3 seconds off the record of Big Red run 38 years ago. 

- The Boston marathon was won in 2:03 ish.  For you non-runners that is unfreaking believeable!!  That's a 4:42 per mile pace.  There are many high school state champs that run slower 2 mile times at that pace.  Be impressed!

- A couple of local teachers get caught with child porn on their computers.  Another idiotism:  one does not need a freeze dried combover to be an idiot.

- GE pays no 2010 taxes.  Oil companies earn record profits while pump gas hits $4 per gallon.  Foreclosures continue to surge.  Don't piss and whine, change the damn rule makers and then the rules.

Ever have an f ' ing week? Well I have!!

It's pretty much sucked from the git go on Monday am!!  Now gotta go home and plow and shovel 12+" for the second time in 2 days.  Then the weekend will be tanked fixing and finishing the crap that didn't get done during the week. 

Sisyphus is me

Came to the realization today that I'm the modern day epitome of the Greek Sisyphus!

Geezerville

I'm sitting at the Starbucks in the Villages, Fl, otherwise known as geezerville.  I sure hope I look out of place.

DANG IT!!

http://www.reuters.com/article/idUSTRE7044F120110105

Pennsylvania police will supposedly stop issuing profanity citations.  The ACLU cites the free speech issue as the reason for such a law to be stupid and used the case of a female driver who screamed "ASSHOLE" to a motorcyclist who cut her off.  That alone is a hoot.  I love a woman who can dang with the best of us former construction workers.

My first impression when I read the Reuters news clip was what the f'ing are PA donut slingers wasting their time issuing citations for such bullcrap frivolty when there are outlaw bikers running wild on the PA turnpike.  (They issue about 750 a year!!) Then it dawned on my dumbass.  The next time some snot-nosed kid out with gramps laughs at my geriatric tumble on my mountain bike I'm making a citizens arrest.  Same for people that I simply find annoying.  You know the ones.  They take 14 items through the 15 or less express checkout lane and then write a check,  talk on their cell phone in the public rest room stall,  let their kids run and scream in the airport lounge while you're napping, order the specialty prepared burger in the drive thru, wave a terrible towel at a meaningless football game, drive 45 in a 45 zone,  want a taste of your chocolate deluxe after not ordering dessert of their own, and cutting hot women off with their motorcycles.  All profane examples of disrespectful behavior towards my highness.

DANG A**holes!!!

India

In March of 2010 I had a business trip to New Dehli, India with side trips to Lucknow and Agra.  Some pics.

Cows are sacred and pretty much wander around as they wish, including downtown.  A hamburger can not be found.

Cows maybe sacred but apparently milking them is not.

3 wheeled taxis are ominipresent. Traffic flow can be described as organized chaos with a serenade of horn blaring.

For those that can't afford a 3-wheeled taxi.

This (Taj Mahal) was pretty impressive. 

This is pretty much how most of the people live.

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