socks and screwdrivers

I am totally convinced that there is a gravity sucking black hole unrelentlessly tugging at socks and screwdrivers.  I have at least 300 single, unmatched socks.  I never lose both socks, it's always just the one and the survivoring mate is left to remind me of this galactic mystery.  I suggest that this is prove positive for a parallel universe.

Screwdrivers just plain disappear.  I haven't owned as many scewdrivers as socks but it's damn close.  If I need one (which usually corresponds to a home emergency like a stuck toilet valve) the routine is to search in the kitchen junk drawer, toolbox (which is the last place I should look given the very slim odds that one should actually be there), under the seat of my suburban, barn, wife's studio (the odds are the best that I might find one there), office, stuck in the snout end of a half used tube of dried up caulk ...... Once the blood pressure reaches 210/160 and my eye sockets are 3 heart beats from exploding I just give up and make a trip to the local hardware store where we are on a first name basis and buy another one.  Or f--- the toilet.

On the slim chance I should find one it will be the one that I used as a cement chisel and the head is blunted down to a rounded knob.   Or it's a snub handled phillips and I need a long shank flat head.

So when the cosmologists figure out a way to worm hole our way to the other side I will retrieve all my missing socks and screwdrivers.

beans and greens

A month ago today mom and I decided on the spur of the moment to go vegetarian.  This is shocking on a number of levels.  First we both were brought up in meat and potatoes families and many times the potato was optional.  Our families raised beef, pig, fowl and hunted game.  Blood, grizzle and tenderloin was ubiquitous.  White and the other white meat was at the top of the food pyramid and red meat at the bottom.  Second we decided to do this 2 weeks shy of the gorge and plunder meal of the year - Thanksgiving.  Ok, we slipped a bit that day and had a slice or 3 of turkey.  But that was it.  Before and since then it's been nothing but beans, salads, and pots of pasta, beans and more freaking beans.

Most of the meals have been pretty good, although I find myself searching for those nuggets of meat that aren't there.  A couple I wouldn't give to the mangy opossum that licks out the bottom of our trash bin.

A week ago a Five Guys opened within walking distance of my office.  Their burgers are award winning.  Their peanut oil fried french fries are as good as the burgers.  Arrggg.... Old man drool is not pretty.

A couple of times a week I would stop at the local Country Fair and own 2 Smith's dogs soaked in mustard.  Now it's an apple and dark chocolate.

Eggs and bacon were weekend staples.  Now it Cheerios and bran with skim.

A new local fare opened in town offering mediterranean.  We order the veggie burrito without the sour cream.  Weird looks from the waitress.

We promised each other a beefup day every now and then.  I'm feeling like it will be sooner rather than later . 

We must be near the top of the food chain for a reason!!  I doubt this diet is it.

Can we buy you ladies a drink??

Tiger Woods, Ben Roethlisberger and Monsignor Smyth

walk into a mid Texas gentlemen's club to join Elliot Spitzer, John Edwards, Mark Sanford and Jessie James.

Actually these folks don't all belong in the same sentence together.  Tiger had lots of women but they were all adults and knew he was married and they were all very hot.  He did show signs of major stupid given that his arm candy at home was already 10+ on the babe scale.  Same for Jessie.  Why would one not be ankle humping Sandra 24/7 if given the chance.

Elliot paid a professional. That's a so what and she's taken her 15 minutes and run with them for more $.

Mark is another so what.  He fell for an exotic amazon goddess but that hiking the AT excuse was never going to make it through the weekend. 

John Edwards is an unusually perflexing case.  He was running for president for crying out loud!  His indiscretion is just stupid gone very, very stupid.  And he got her pregnant.  WTF.  Stupid runneth over!

All stupid but nonetheless consenting adults with bouts of poor judgement.

Ben on the other hand belongs in a whole other grouping........scumbags who should be wearing a sign stating "cut on dotted line".  He allegedly forces himself on drunk school girls........repeatedly.  I have daughters and nieces of this age and I cringe that idiots of this moral turpitude still pack a set of warm testicles.

And the worst.  Catholic priests that take advantage of young kids in their charge hopefully have a special hole in their biblical hell where ball-peened hammers are used rather than a dull serrated knives. Public castration is too good for these vultures.

Oh, and the grab a young boy butt scoutmasters have a reserved sludge pit right next to the white collared ones.

Hillbilly memorial coin

On the way to the sunshine state we passed through the iron city from the mistake on the lake and on into the ridge runner state.  Pleasant scenic ride over undulating terrain on interstate 77 and eventually onto US19.  Most certainly a Robert Byrd pork project given that the highway bears his name.  Every 10 miles there's a gully hamlet with a reduced speed zone at the bottom of a 10% grade hill with a porkie at the bottom with his radar gun filling the local coffers. 

Eventually a toll ahead warning sign appears.  We've been this way before and knew this was there.  But we couldn't remember the amount needed.  Probably 25 cents or maybe a buck.  We speed ahead with the toll gates coming up fast.  What's the amount?  No signs anywhere.  Cars and trucks on all sides churning up road spray.  There are 3 booths, 2 exact change and 1 manned.  We pull into the plaza at 50mph not 100 feet from having to decide which lane to get into and there it is.  Cars 40 cents.  Now a mad scamble.  First of all 40 cents means a minimum of 3 coins to make it exact.  We have 3 seconds to find a quarter, a dime and a nickel or 4 dimes, or 3 dimes and 2 nickels.......  Lets not even think about the penny permutations.  Too late. I have to merge into the manned gate where all the other cars and trucks happened to be.  I wonder why.  Not a single vehicle in the exact change lanes.  I pull up and hand the attendent a 1 dollar bill that I just untwisted from my pants pocket after frantically unsnapping the tight seat belt. The diamond stud in the nose, middle aged lady hands me back 2 quarters and 2 nickels.  Or was it 1 quarter, 2 dimes and 3 nickels.

Ok. We're back upto speed.  Heart rate has returned to normal, finger nails have receeded from the steering wheel leather and my butt unclenches. It's time for some hillbilly contemplation.  I reckon the local road toll rate commission consisting of Darrell, Darrell and their brother Darrell had a meeting.  The ridge-runner brain trust needs to raise the toll rate.  A buck would be way too much and they're told the exact change machines wouldn't work.  Fifty cents also seems like a stretch and soaking the pass through snowbirds just wouldn't be neighborly.   Let's make it an even 40 cents.  Oh and let's save a few $ and not put a sign. 

Perhaps they originally recommended 38 cents but the attendant was confounded by the heavy arithematic.

Bacon with a side of choco donut

is the breakfast of champions.

Brunch

Red Hooded Prince

This black-faced cardinal is out grocery shopping.

Drerie

Fog, snowbanks, slush, damp, clouds, mist, cold, stillness, mud, wet ................