You might be a pussy if

• your dog doesn't drool or incessantly humps the neighbor's yorkie and kitty
• your beer comes with twist-offs
• your woman doesn't sport a half dozen tats and 3 pounds of stainless
• your back has less hair than a winter haired Scottish highlander
• your ride isn't littered with snickers wrappers, empty red bull cans and spent 45 shells
• your belly doesn't have stretch marks, a shelf for a beer can and an invisible belly button
• your jeans cover your hairy cheekless butt canyon
• your nose hair isn't braided
• your mullet rat tail doesn't employ a twist tie
• you have a dental record
• Limbaugh isn't crackling on the AM
• the rear right fender isn't dragging in the mud
• if your bumper stickers aren't about guns, dammes and damnation
• you don't run them foreign cars into the ditch with your jacked up Chevy
• the key chain is carrying less than 10 lbs of brass
• your armpits don't attract fleas and  fresh bred sewer mosquitos
• you can see the flesh under your finger nails
• the windshield isn't cracked
• the fuzzies hanging from the rearview aren't whistling a tune from Tammi's favorite hits
• the cigarette tray isn't full
• the mailbox isn't secured with 2 bungies and half a roll of

ode by a proud pussy